How to deal with the dysfunction of fetishm?

I don't have some big philosophical reason or anything to add to this other than I am with you.

Over the last 3 years I've sorta just categorized myself as somewhere on the asexual scale. I have no interest in sex. Wrestling turns me on, but I have no urge to act on jerking off or whatever, ya know?

Don't think you're doomed to be alone. My boyfriend is very much sexually active, and it does get tough sometimes, but we make it work. Just gotta find the right patient guy who looks for something beyond the sex part of a relationship. For now though, this site is an awesome way to meet people and explore that sorta stuff. You might even find something else that does it for you. :)

Very well said.

Totally agree

Thanks for these thoughtful responses. I approached therapy as a tool to find origins, not coping strategies. I havent wrestled anyone in three yrs. The kink still burns for me as a wanker. Ive corr with guys who seem very accepting of their kink, nevertheless have a committed partnership so can we split the motel cost. Is compulsion healthy? Is shame warranted? How many established friends have you openly discussed this with outside our circle? One great life theme, "How did I get here?" I feel tiresome and leave with thanks for your sharing.

I THANK YOU and everyone else for sharing their experiences & input. Initially, I wasn't sure anyone respond, i'm glad to see I got MORE than I was expecting. I'm happy you chimed in with your experience of just how intense it can get (fetish) in regards to interrupting thought patterns/day-to-day activities, relationships or things that can serve as "Triggers". I've struggled with suicide over this (and still do from time to time) but we all know when people hear that word they run for the hills. Sadly it's an unfortunate reality that certain individuals deal with. For me it's literally something I can't control... and I feel it's somewhat inadvertently subconscious shame. But as another individual stated on here, everyone has a "kink". I think some are more challenging then others depending on what it is in correlation to society's unofficial paradigm of "normal/abnormal"/"whats ok/whats not". The way the overall view as to what is "taboo" and how attitudes are structured & perpetuated towards that concept serves as an instrumental catalyst for the mental struggle of keeping silent. I didn't even know how to articulate my attractions until I was about 19-20 years old because I was so ashamed. The shame didn't make it go away though... so instances like these help us, to show we are not alone. At least that is what I tell myself lol.

I believe everyone has a kink of some sort, so either enjoy it as its a part of your unique makeup or if it's something you loathe then get the help you need to control it or find out why you loathe it. For me wrestling is my kink as well as my sport.

Ok, Cruzado and thoughtful participants. I married a woman at 30, made it thru 28 yrs She insisted we split cuz she said, " I was I was REALLY unhappy" Livin with this kink, happiness is not in my wheelhouse. First couple yrs married thought I got it behind me. Then stress from my job, i began to write detailed wresting scenarios, wanking in the car, calling my adolescent wrestling pal. So a series of 5 mental therapists. Theyd always got around to, " could I have been victim to pre adolescent sexual abuse. "
In the 80s it was AmFem and po boxes. Lots of wasted time, appt phone calls. Id meet guys at reseraunts to size em up physically and head space. A couple letters is not the same as series of short back and forth emails or chats.
Thats enough my history. I dont like the fetish label for me. I like kink cuz its outside the group and implies unique. For me this kink endures. El Cruzado, athletic sox dont do it, i''m a briefs and bare feet guy. Ive wrestled guys had a sleeper thing, a lipstick thing, cum in his face thing, lose and get a massage guy, claimed to dig wrestling but begged to suck me. So, ive considered a unified theory for kink and of course, its futile. Todays tech and stuff to come will make more ops 4U to find compatibile partners, not nec in the kink but in the larger life view.
Hard for me to view my kink positively. As my shrinks stated MY KINK, is a mechanism to impede intamcy.
Im not a health pro, Im retired ad space sales, energy const tech, phone install guy. In my yuth the culture taught me fem/masc identity.Real nonsense. I might be repressed gay, sraight, kinked but I'm100% guy. Everybody b well!

Thank you Exchhldsblws for such an open post. "Hard for me to view my kink positively. As my shrinks stated MY KINK, is a mechanism to impede intamcy." I agree with Merseywrestle above, that everyone has some sort of kink, even if society doesn't define it as such. I wonder if your therapist would label a focus on blonds or breasts as a "mechanism to impede intimacy"? Probably not, since it is more normative in the culture. I really like Merseywrestle's comment about " find[ing] out why [one] loathe[s]" the fetish/kink if that is the case, rather than banishing it. We are a total package. Sometimes the parts we see as the most broken are the places where life is trying to break through. Paying attention to those places, exploring them with others with openness to what we find may be the beginning of something.

This is my 4th attempt to answer this question. This time I will just tell you where to go look.

You need to get a copy of the DSM-V (this is the diagnostic manual that the medical system uses to diagnosis people with mental health issues in the USA).

Make sure you get the 5th edition. DSM-V. Everytime the so called experets rewrite this manual they change the the rules. Quite literally one day as a patient you have a diagnosis and the next day you don't.

I have no idea whether or not fetish is in either of the previous two versions. They should be easy enough to download (DSM-III) and (DSM-IV).

When I saw this thread I downloaded it from the link below, but you can just google it DSM-V, search for the word fetish. In this version it will tell you to go to page 715, but bring you to 685. There are a lot of prefaces. You will find your answers there. Keep in mind this is intended for Drs., etc.

This is a huge book. You will need a pdf viewer. They are free and in both android and app store. On desktops you should be able to read it automatically. I would not convert it to a .doc. I do not know how it was originally formated.

I know of the DSM because I deal with mental illness.

https://www.google.com/url?q=https://cdn.website-editor.net/30f11123991548a0af708722d458e476/files/uploaded/DSM%252520V.pdf&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwjHypj96IfpAhUQhHIEHWmLAPcQFjAAegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw3Y8CgWZams-i-gQwluimHq

Hope this helps...

Thanks for posting the link to DSM-V. Page 685 begins the section on Paraphilia, which is a group of "conditions" in which individuals are sexually aroused by atypical (relative to the perceptions of the population) imagery or activities. The key concepts are that one can have a "benign" Paraphilia (in the sense of not causing problems) vs. a Paraphilic disorder.
It becomes a disorder when it is causing the individual distress, poor social functioning, obsessive thoughts, behaviour which last more than 6 months. It is also disordered if non-consenting individuals are involved. The DSM takes for granted that everything dangerous or potentially dangerous is disordered (S&M), and precludes consent in that situation (due to power dynamics, and a chicken and egg issue of the paraphilic disorder precluding true consent.
The DSM is a tool to help psychiatrists and other mental health practitioners speak the same language. Each version makes trade-offs, and exists in a social/medico-legal/insurance context.
The DSM was not created to help you answer your questions, unless you are trying to code a patient visit! Life, and sexuality are more varied than society and the DSM gives it credit.

I think we interpreted it different. I typed in the word fetish. Then backed up a page to the beginning of the section. I am sorry, I didn't say that. There is where it mentions fetish. If I understood it correctly, and I may not have.

The DSM-V said a fetish is not a psychological condition unless it falls into one of these specific 8 individual (or group?) of fetishes. The line separating these 8 from the many many other fetishes is that these 8 have a victim. They use the term paraphilia.

That is why it took me 4 rewrites. I did not want to mention or link the two terms. That's why I said to search for fetish. I was just warning about the 30 page difference. Totally my error. I wanted anyone who took the time to draw their own conclusions.

And Jedi, you do not know me, nor my thought processes. If I have the mental capacity to read the DSM; to decipher, digest, and incorporate its information. It is not for you to pass judgement. I do not care if you are a psychiatrist or its publisher. Until you live inside someone's mind, how dare you!

I simply provided the path to information they were seeking. Readily available through any half way decent google search. They made the choice to look it up. Lest you forget I did warn it was for the medical community.

Jobber4u, I was a bit confused and taken aback by your “how dare you” moment above. I thought your DSM link was helpful and interesting, thanking you at the start of my post. My post was a summary, in case people were daunted by the medicalese or the length of the DSM.
Rereading my post, I realized my last paragraph “the DSM was not created to help you . . . “ could be taken as YOU (the writer of the post I was responding to) rather than you (the reader). The latter was intended. I will endeavor to use the subjunctive in the future. I apologize for any unintended offense.

I apologize, I took the intent of your post the wrong way. (While typing this reply I do not have full view or access to the entire thread.) Most likely from the latter paragraphs. I admit I get defensive. Again I am sorry if I read your reply wrong. Internalized it. Please forgive me.

No hard feelings here at all. These are very sensitive topics, covered by layers of scars from years of thoughtless comments, mindless slights and our own fears magnifying it all. Defensiveness was no doubt learned the hard way. What I love about this site is we can explore unlearning those responses as well, talk about our issues, our past, our futures with guys who are walking similar paths.

Thank You! I was a psych minor in college, I was made aware that the DSM couldn’t really help me past the point of providing a staunch clear cut “Black & White” context. Which is why I figured I’d just ask and interact with REAL people.

If by definition a fetish is a psychological disfunction , then society in general is dysfunctional. As I have witnessed during this lockdown, no one out there has any right to call what you do to book, not unless they can walk the walk in your moccasins. There are plenty of anthropycines out there, with a whole bag of hang ups , and "fetishes" of their own to bear, and hide from other prying eyes.

We are by evolution very sexual animals, something we share with dolphins, the only centaceans with a known high sexual orientation. It is influenced by your genes, your nurturing as well as peer influences. So don' t stress yourself out about it, it is only an aspect of who you are. It does not by necessity define you. Just tell those holy than thou detractors, that this is who you are, this is what you do.

Humans maybe sexual animals biologically, but we also have intelligence with the capacity to learn the difference between good and bad and right from wrong.

Those other animals you mention don't have that capability and are motivated to do what they do purely through instinct. As humans we also live in societies that have rules and laws with every right to make judgments on character and behavior. Imagine the time when that wasn't the case. If it was better, why changed it?

In any event, you might feel differently when those dysfunctional behaviors works against you, rather than to your benefit. That's not necessary my opinion, nor was I being judgmental – especially considering all our laws and customs were already in place long before I came alone – rather, merely point out the other side of the coin.

I agree, it's very challenging and lonely at times. Put I'm trying to get better at accepting it as I get older. I find Mutual companionship is hard to come by in of itself, so adding my fetish to that equation definitely amplifies that difficulty.

I firmly believe that sexuality is compiled in youth from incidents, people and perceptions. Long legs, jockstraps, a type of haircut.... the list is endless because the experiences were unique.

It sounds like you are like any other member of the human race. If you have something that stimulates you so reliably, enjoy.

Provided any fetish can be enjoyed without harm and on the basis of informed consent, I can't see any reason to beat yourself up

I apologize for the therapists who gave you such a lame answer. For what ever reason, something in your young brain locked onto that image all that time ago, linking it with masculinity, power, control, and eventually eroticism. None of that is going to get "worked out" of your system! As many of us do on here, we honor our own links to combat and sexuality. We explore it safely with other consenting adults; this does need to be sexually, but talking about it, engaging in it (wrestling, boxing, rough housing), and in your case, that would include in socks.
There is a subset of wrestling in socks. Search YouTube, and you will find wrestling in socks, I think someone named Joe had a lot of wrestling (more rolling around) videos with different types of socks. The nice thing about now is the internet lets people of any classification find each other and connect.
Above all, remember you are not broken (or no more broken than me, and everyone else, and your fetish is the least of it!). Not to get too mystical, but our weak parts are invitations to growth and fullness of life. So explore, trust you are as you are supposed to be, deepen those roots, have fun, and be.

Very well put....!

Thanks man, I think for me the co-occurring issues I have sometimes makes it challenging. On one side I do personally feel being so hyper-unique is a good thing but it has many downsides that agitates my anxiety & depression. I used to truly believe something was wrong with me when I was younger but now that I've matured, I've accepted my circumstances for what they are. For me, just because I am now pretty much 30, the bigger concern is, should I prepare myself to be alone for the remainder of my life or if the acquisition of non-sexual companionship with my fetish is ascertainable. I appreciate your input.

Fetish is by psychological standards a dysfunction. But I'm sure if you put yours out there, you'll find someone that shares ever what some might call your very unique desire.

One more thing, don't make statements at 30 for what's going to happen the rest of your life. You can't even imagine how much you will grow and mature and change over the next 20,30 years and beyond. I assure you, you haven't even scratched the surface.

Good Day Gentlemen,

For those of you have fetishes and have had them since childhood, how do you live with them? I've had one that occupies my ENTIRE SEXUAL IDENTITY. I'm still a virgin and convinced I'm suffering from a hang-up. The psychologists beg to differ, so I would like some insight from real members of the community, where at least we have the minimum commonality of wrestling.

I've been an on and off member of this site for about 3 years, I deactivate sporadically because the constant rejection/invisibility I face in the community sometimes triggers major depressive episodes. As I approach 30 years old, the universe seems to be enforcing this idea that me EVER getting what/who I'm looking for is UNASCERTAINABLE.

….So here it goes.
 For as LONG as I can remember (since at least age 4 or 5) The ONLY THING that has ever aroused me is the way a guys legs look in athletic CREW socks (legs exposed in socks that are pulled up to midcalf I've just always found incredibly masculine and beautiful) While many perceive this as a form of Podophilia (Foot Fetishism) my primary attraction is how legs/calves look in socks as opposed to the feet themselves. I do appreciate a nice sweat/funk foot smell but more so as an accessory to the overall attraction, sporty guys usually have a musk (it’s not a KEY necessity, but a preferable one).--- NO, I have NEVER sexually abused.

How does this all connect to wrestling??
This hyper-specific gear attraction functions as an integrated unit with my desire to engage in physical sports type contact with dudes. Examples: tests of strengths, wrestling, tackling, “man-smell”, sweat, grunting, being crushed by bigger guys, dog piles (football/rugby piles…NOT SEXUAL orgies) and pretty much anything that is representative of men trying to dominate one another competitively in a highly physical manner. So much so that the football scenes from various movies and fight scenes from the "Rocky" films virtually function as porn to me (conventional porn I never watch because I get nothing out of it).The thoughts of being crushed in a football/rugby pile of men or wrestling with a large or muscular man with thick legs and gym socks is the sole thing to ever make me hard lol.

The Psychological Assessment
I have received professional help on several occasions in regards to this “problem”.  Virtually all of the psychoanalyst/psychologist I have spoken with over the years have given me the unanimous answer that I need to “exercise it” and “get out of my system". According to the science world this is the definition of a “psychological hang up”. This unfortunately leaves me in a gray area because my desires do not pose an imminent threat to anyone or myself.

Since its C L E A R this isn't going to go away, how to I live with it? find guys into similar?